muted tones

volume one

sep 02
andy wagner
oct 02
sarah renee bertsch
nov 02
alison chesley
dec 02
tom gillis

jan 03
allison stanley
feb 03
jonny dovercourt
mar 03
tw walsh

this entry is from october 02. click here for more information about the curator, and to hear the finished work.

getting the best of me

september 03rd, 2002

there was this really weird moment i had with an old boss of mine where they said “hey, you know, maybe you have ADD? Maybe that’s why you have all this trouble?” And at the time I said, “uh…as far as I know I don’t have ADD. thanks.” But I was really thinking, “are you serious? who asks someone if they have ADD?”

But now, i know that they were just trying to help me figure out my problem. the problem that i constantly talked to them about. “i have no focus, bla bla bla. i wish i could figure out what’s wrong with me, bla bla bla.” I forgot that when you talk to someone about your problems, sometimes they try to help you fix them.

the problem then was that i had too many jobs (at work, at home, in my head…etc.) to do, and not enough support (at work), not enough time, and not an emotional leg to stand on (at home, in my head). so i’d be at work and someone would ask me for something simple like the walnut container and i knew exactly where it was and when i put it there and where i got it from and what they needed the walnuts for and how much it weighed and how to say walnuts in both spanish and french and i think maybe german and how to fix the lid and what the best way to clean it is, but all that would come out of my mouth was “shoe polish?” and trust me, we didn’t use shoe polish for anything. not even the cookies.

so i’m like this idea machine. constantly spitting out ideas for how, when, why, where, what, and uh…who. all the time. just ask my friends. the problem is, i haven’t come up with the idea for how to wrangle them all and put them in their stalls so i can access them and ride them to their logical brilliant conclusions. i usually only get out into the barnyard, and i’m looking at this other idea like…ooooh, she’s a beaut, and i jump down to get the new pretty one and the first one just runs away.

i’m like this with my behavior too. not just with my art and music. i’ll wake up and think, wouldn’t it be great if i could start hugging everyone all the time and then they’d know how much i like them? and then i hug a few people and start thinking, wouldn’t it be great if i went over there and looked at that book about glenn gould. and later i realize i haven’t hugged anyone in days and i feel really sucky.

the point is, i’m trying really extra double college try hard to get this recording done and done well. i think i may have started excercising the muscle that other people use to keep focused on their projects. pretty soon, i’ll be at the olympics lifting 300 pounds with it. just you wait.

and so, because the best of me is always out there on the line, for all of these ideas, sometimes it gets returned late, or with coffee stains. i’m working on not lending the best of me to any more coffee stainers. like sleep deprivation, self-doubt, or alcohol abuse. they always return it late, and have like a million dollars in fines.

xoxo
sr

 

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